Aging Anxieties

“How I was born, I do not remember. How I will die, I do not know” –Russian Proverb

My father and I celebrate our birthday always on the same date. Our ages are 40 years apart. And just recently, I turned 33.

My wife asked me one time, if how old my tatay will be this year. “Seventy-three,” I answered. “Do you think you’ll reach that age?” was her quick reply.

That one quick discussion made me think–and I assume she meant well. Would I still be alive 40 years from now? How would I look like by that time? In what condition would I be? Would I be financially stable by then? And a lot more questions I could possibly think of.

A decade back then, when I reached my early twenties I said to myself that I’d be happy to reach the age of 50. I used to fear the thought of getting old and helpless, I just don’t want myself to be in that situation.

But as I grew older, started to work and soon got married, I’ve come to appreciate life even more. Now the age goal has to be extended—as if I can do something about it. Every now and then, I would daydream about a laid-back, idyllic farm setting, my wife and I just lazily sitting outside while we watch the golden sun set over the horizon. Children and/or English bulldogs running around are always included, of course.

Sometimes though, these hopes of living longer would be snapped out each time that I would get sick. I’m often so paranoid that a little bit of headache would send me thinking of my mortality. Only the paranoid survive, right? Thankfully, I recovered and got medications for my “new” migraine. Now I can once again start dreaming of happy thoughts.

Whatever will be, will be or Que sera sera, as nanay would often sing. So true. Whether I like it or not, I’m indeed getting older. And one obvious fact would be the number of white hairs my wife has been plucking so eagerly from my head. On some days I would ask her to leave it alone as I would feel proud having those and see them in the mirror peeking out of the black ones which are still the majority for now. Until when it would be fully covered in white locks, I can only guess.

God willing, I will appreciate it a lot if the time comes that I would be 73 yet still be able to walk, to enjoy each day and still be together with my loving wife. And so, until that time comes, I’ll let my favorite daydreams continue.

My Blog Machine and I are Ill

Just lately, the blog machine is showing signs of illness. Just when I thought it would be doing its job effectively, it all of a sudden displayed a “throbbing” monitor. It would intermittently dim as if breathing heavily to keep up with what I am doing. It looks like I am just now waiting for it to die on me while writing a blog post. Whenever it will be, I can’t tell.

The monitor will have to go soon & a replacement is needed. CRT or LCD? I’m thinking now if by any chance my blog machine wants to sympathize with my recent headache attacks. Well, I wonder. If there is such thing as resistentialism, which is a belief that a thing is acting against one person, this one I don’t know how it is called.

A few weeks back (it’s been years actually) I had these strange headaches which would come out of nowhere. Being a paranoid myself, I have checked the Internet and the symptoms are that of stroke and migraine. I’ll gladly accept anytime that it’s the latter. Hopefully, the next few days, I’ll have the answer.